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[09 Aug 2009|07:16pm] |
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Do you ever feel like everything you do in life is wrong? Like I literally can't go more than 5 minutes without emitting a mistake. I'm constantly thinking about what my next one will be. Like when I have to read outloud to clients at work, or do activities with them. I always am at a loss for words and say something stupid. And I feel like I'm getting dumber and dumber day by day, I had to take a math test for a job interview last week. And FUCK I felt so stupid. I can't walk without thinking I'm going to trip over something, I always spill things on my clothes. Even when I know my favorite song by heart, I fuck up the lyrics. When I clean the house, I always forget something. I always leave something at home, even though I pack plan and make a list the night before. I'm never on time even though I leave early. I'm always anticipating my next screwup, which I think makes me fuck up even more. I work 3 jobs and even though I look day in and day out for just ONE awseom one, I can't find one, and the 3 that I have just arn't good enough. I'm never satisfied, I fake it alot. I fucking hate being in my head. I'm always in my head. I'm petrefied of being old, I don't want to grow old at all. I want to forever live where I am right now...just without the bullshit in my head. I want to stop agonizing over getting into car accidents, wondering if I left the door unlocked. I want to stop pondering all day about what happens when we die. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS. If we just die, we're dead, and that's the end of it...whatever. That sucks but I can handle that because there is no more. But I have such conflicted religion ideals cause of my Mom. I doubt I'm going to Hell if there is one. But what do we do in Heaven all day? Is there one? I want to be ALIVE on EARTH forever. Young and prosperous. I want to be able to smell the rain, sing at the top of my lungs in my car. I want to stop criticizing everything I do. This is OCD at it's finest ladies and gentleman. But why did it wait untill the past year to come out in it's fullest. I can't do this anymore...I fucking hate it. If Adam doesn't call after work I think he's dead or his cock is in someones filthy vagina. My brain goes into the worst possible scenarios when the most logical thing is really taking place. The worst is, I know it's fucked up...so I keep it to myself. Building hatred and frustration and angst. When did I start being so causious. I won't swim in lakes anymore, I won't go on roller coaster's, I drive like a grandma, drugs scare me so bad, I hate drunk people...I want to keep my liver alive as long as possible. I don't enjoy being in public places. When we have parties, or people over...I dissapear so I don't have a panic attac. I used to LOVE being center of attention. Now I dread the thought of having to do something in front of people, because I WILL fuck something up. I haven't eaten in fucking 6 months. I lost 30 lbs. I mean I was fat, so it was a good thing. But I don't know what I'm diong anymore. Sometimes I disgust myself and other days I love everything about me. I'm shy but I pretend I'm loud and boisterous still. Where did I go, I lost my heart and everything that made it. I used to be fearless and reckless. Now I only want to reside on my couch with a blanket. Where do we go when we die? What happens. Why can't anyone answer that. Why do we stop believing in Santa Claus, yet people expect you to believe in God....but then again why do trillions of people believe in that fable, I believe in logic and straight facts. But where are they? I believe in hypocrisy and fairytales. I believe that someday I will do something horrible by accident. I can't control myself when I'm upset anymore, I'm an emotional wreck. The smallest thing makes me bawl to no avail. I choke back tears so many times a day. Even when I fucking PEE, Im petrified the toilet won't flush and then people will thnk I shit towns and clogged it. I won't drink certain liquids at work that make me pee often cause I don't want people to think I crap 9 times a shift. Where did this all come from? This is what spins through my head everyday. When I grew up, all I thought about was...what the sky looked like, what shoes I was going to wear the next day, who's party I was going to ruin. Now I'm the ruined one.
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[14 Jan 2009|08:13am] |
clearly
no one gives a shit
that CIA dealt crack in the 60's.
I think I'm beggining to stop giving a shit either.
It's about that time
I stop being so goddamn positive
and realize that life's just negative.
I wanna smoke a huge L
and watch the Notious BIG movie.
it comes out on friady
& I just got a new car.
im too short to scrape the snow off t he roof.
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| You know what Grinds My Gears? |
[08 Jan 2009|07:43am] |
I got in another car accident.
Like fucking a month ago, but whatever. it's still pissing me off.
this guy. from the other side of the street took a left turn directly head on into my car
while I had my friends 3 daughters in the backseat
I was 50 yards away from my house.
Some guy turned around cause his son coughed in the back seat
Like what ever it was an accident
But I NEED to vent.
I nanny a fucking AUTISTIC CHILD. Highly PDD and borderline everything else.
He screams and HUMS at the top of his lungs through every car ride.
Do I turn around? Unless he stops breathing, nothing.
Adam's son, Tyler...ADD, ADHD, he has tick's, and he's just an overall can't sit still 7 year old crazy psychotic boy. you know..the average
He yells stories every car ride, plays wicked loud video games, cries, throws fits, kicks the seat, drums on the windows, this summer he oven drove back from NH wearing a Star Trooper Mask.
Did I turn around and take my eyes off the road once? Nahh
I've driven all FIVE of Ellen's girls.
you jknow what its like being in a fucking car with 5 girls ages: 2, 2, 5,7, & 8?
fucking rediculous
Wahhhh my barbie, gimme pop, can I have french fries, Cia I made a potty, Marcia Can you change the radio, Sweet Niblets, Hannah Montanna, I hate Math, Mommy said that you would give us candy, I love Christmas, Santa Clause, sdfskdfhsklhdf
unless they are dying? you do not take your eyes off the road
and if there is an issue that you have to look at them?
PULL THE FUCK OVER!
it was the 2nd car accident the guy had been in in 2 weeks with his son.
common, that's just sad.
He was a really geniunely nice person and he apologized profusely
and made sure all the girls were ok and apologized again
But I'm bitter, it could of been avoided...
My car? Kelly blue book value gave me like $1,200 if I was fucking lucky
reguardless that I paid $5,600 at a dealership less than 2 years ago.
But my insurance? Gave me over 3grand..you know why?
Because of those 3 girls.
It was the most traumatizing 15 seconds of my life.
While they all screamed in the back...
I had to throw my car into reverse durring the crash cause we were pushing the other car down the street into stopped traffic at a red light. while my car was dying. and all i heard was bloody murder screaming.
now
i have TWO bad knees
how exciting.
This thing fucked me out of work so bad.
And I can't rely on anyone to drive me anywhere
So I'm bitter.
But this isn't wat I came h er to discuss...
Has anyone else heard of the Iran-Contra Rebel CIA CRACK scandal?
No, yeah t hat's right CAUSE THEY NEVER TAUGHT IT TO US IN SCHOOL.
Early 1950s, Southeast Asia
The Nationalist Chinese army, organized by the CIA to wage war against Communist China, became the opium baron of The Golden Triangle (parts of Burma, Thailand, and Laos), the world's largest source of opium and heroin. Air America, the CIA's principal proprietary airline, flew the drugs all over Southeast Asia.
1980s to early 1990s, Afghanistan
CIA-supported Moujahedeen rebels engaged heavily in drug trafficking while fighting the Soviet-supported government, which had plans to reform Afghan society. The Agency's principal client was Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, one of the leading drug lords and the biggest heroin refiner, who was also the largest recipient of CIA military support. CIA-supplied trucks and mules that had carried arms into Afghanistan were used to transport opium to laboratories along the Afghan-Pakistan border. The output provided up to one-half of the heroin used annually in the United States and three-quarters of that used in Western Europe. U.S. officials admitted in 1990 that they had failed to investigate or take action against the drug operation because of a desire not to offend their Pakistani and Afghan allies. In 1993, an official of the DEA dubbed Afghanistan the new Colombia of the drug world.
I remember in 1998. I was 10 years old and in Mrs.McCarthy's 5th grade class. I missed school the day we picked presidents for our solo end of the year projects. So I got stuck with Richard Nixon. My father told me the most important thing to reaserch was deffinetly going to have to be the watergate scandal. On showing my teacher my rough draft, she basically told me that I didn't need to cover the "boring stuff" about Nixon, and the entire page that had to do with Watergate? Was crossed out with a big fat red X.
In the next few years in school we learned about what the goverment does, the purpose, the branches, and a couple of stories on how they overcame 3rd world countires, or shit about Panema. Never anything really hard hitting.
I recently watched a documentary about the war on drugs. You know what I found? The CIA was dealing crack, producing, shipping, purchasing, and dealing crack. They introduced it to poverty and low income places, specifically to low black population towns in the South, so they could be persecuted and They would benefit off the tax dollars. That clearly wasn't making enough money, so they started funding the entire war in Nicaragua or Iran or whatever the fuck they wanted to fund. IN crack coccaine money. About 10 of the guys who weren't incarcerated for having knowledge, documents, taking part in this? ARE STILL IN THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY. Oliver North? North was at the center of national attention during the Iran-Contra affair...during which he was a key Reagan Administration official involved in the clandestine sale of weapons to goddan Iran. The sale of these weapons and drugs served both to encourage the release of U.S. hostages and to generate proceeds to support the Contra Rebel Group. Vice Admiral John.M Poindexter and his deputy, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, secretly diverted to the Nicaraguan Contra's millions of dollars in funds received from a secret deal - the sales of anti-tank and anti-aircraft missiles to Iran - in spite of Reagan's public pledge not to deal with the nation. What a deush bag, this guy had fucking hundreds of thousands of documents and letter's and cia e-mails of them corresponding with Nicaragua, Iran, Afghanistan, about trading hostages for arms. and he HID them. War Stories with Oliver North is still on tv today, does no one give a shit...that he had party in single handedly ruined millions of people's lives with CRACK. The 1980's crack epidemic was BECAUSE of the CIA. All the former DEA agents told Regan that they had knowledge of the Nicaraguan drug trafficing, and he smiled and walked away. The goverments always been involved in something shady. Bin Laden didn't blow up the twin towers to get notoriety, he did it because George Bush fucked him out of money somehow and that was his way of showing the US that the goverment's bent over backwards for bad guys, yet reaps the benefits off bringing bad to our own country. I don't understand how this was never taught to me in High School. I learned about countless war's, and history that I didn't give a shit about. But this? I would of liked to have learned. I think it would have actually taught me something.
Feb 11, 1982, Attorney General William French Smith grants an exemption sparing the CIA from a legal requirement to report on drug smuggling by agency assets. This occurred only two months after President Reagan authorized covert CIA support for the Nicaraguan contra army and some eight months before the first known documentary evidence revealing that the contras had started collaborating with drug traffickers. The exemption suggests that the CIA's tolerance of illicit drug smuggling by its clients during the 1980s was official policy anticipated from the outset, not just an unintended consequence followed by an ad hoc cover-up. The exemption had been secretly engineered by CIA Director William J. Casey according to a letter placed into the Congressional Record by Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Calif., on May 7, 1998, which establishes that Casey foresaw the legal dilemma which the CIA would encounter should federal law require it to report on illicit narcotics smuggling by its agents. The narcotics exemption is especially noteworthy in contrast to the laundry list of crimes which the CIA was required to disclose.. The CIA's inspector general Frederick P. Hitz confirmed that long-held suspicion in an investigative report issued on Jan. 29, 1998. The Clinton administration quietly rescinded Casey's narcotics exemption in 1995. Robert Perry, "Contra-Cocaine: Evidence of Premeditation" The Consortium for Independent Journalism, a paid subscription service, Volume 3, No 11 (Issue 63) - June 1, 1998.
Oliver North ran for polotical office and was known as "the great white hope" if anything he was only white hope because he trafficked the white powder that he had hooked so many black people on.
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| Blame It On Bad Luck |
[02 Jan 2008|12:14pm] |
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heyyyyy way to be a song that descriibes my life =]
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
so I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
I spent some time in a bad place at 18,
wishing I could see something through clear eyes.
Do you ever wake up to realize
that your life is meaningless?
Does it give you strength or lead you to
your grave at a young age?
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
so I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
It seems that when I ran away from my past
all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back.
And now I think it's time that I realize
self pity's meaningless.
Though I'm 10 feet deep,
I'll claw my way back out from in my grave.
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
So I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
And say a hard life did this to me.
Now I realize, I'd give anything I have
to walk a day in my old shoes.
Wondering what my first smoke would be like,
my first fuck, my next fuck up.
Or the next band that would change my life
and it changed my life
and it changed my life.
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
So I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
And say a hard life did this to me.
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| Engaged And Underage |
[23 Dec 2007|12:00pm] |
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ColbieCaillait-OhCapri |
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Adam got down on one knee last night
and proposed to me.
I got a microdermal piercing
on my ring finger
which i dont suggest anyone
EVER get a microdermal piercing.
worst thing i've ever had happen.
i bled everywhere. and it took 10 minutes
to scalpel my finger and make a pocket
then to put the jewlery in while i bled more.
worst thing ever. seriously. worst.
im OFFICIALLY getting married.
...then why does it feel so unreal.
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| Sheats of Empty Canvas |
[05 Oct 2007|07:41pm] |
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PearlJam-Black |
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House Keeping Monthly in 1955; “The Good Wife Guide”, and I quote verbatim.
• “Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and our concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust-cloth over the tables.
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he come home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
• Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
• Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count his as minor compared to what he might have gone through all day.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember he s the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place"
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| Somethings are better left....said. |
[21 Jun 2007|11:24pm] |
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ThroughTheEyesOfTheDead-WhenEverythingBecomesNothing |
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some dumb 16 year old cunt on myspace posts a bulletin titled:
" =( i think im ugly "
the body of it says:
" i wish i was prettier and had a bf and not be lonely "
here was my response
1. looks are the most unimportant thing, if you think they are? your a shallow cunt, who has self esteem issues and needs to get over them and shut the fuck up. mommy and daddy love you, your not that unfortunate looking. get over it
2. you dont NEED someone to not be lonely. perhaps do something with your life. get active. make new friends. stop wallowing in pity about it.
3. i'm sorry if this seemed harsh, but seriously dude? when people say shit like this, its just a fucking attention cry for the most part for people to say "aww your beautiful <33 and i'd date you" but when it gets down to it. no. no they won't because this is MYSPACE and you can only get so many comments a day saying your hott from skeezy 50 year old dudes before you realize. no one tells you your beautiful in real life.
4. i also realized i typed you a novel. your welcome =]
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| Sudafed; Morphine & Heroin? |
[14 Jun 2007|06:39pm] |
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nothing but Colbie Caillat i dont wanna listen to anyone else |
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So I didn't fail my drug test for THC [aka marijuana]
I FAILED IT FOR FUCKING MORPHINE AND HEROINE
1. i dont fucking take pills, i've honestly?
taken them perhaps 3 times in my entire life.
I get sketched out by them.
2. i dont even KNOW anyone that does heroine
3.WHAT THE GOD DAMN FUCKING SHIT?!?!?!?!
all i've taken for the past 2 weeks
is sudafed, excedrine, and 2 hydroxycuts
everyone i know is stumped
but not as stumped as i am.
im taking another drug test monday
to figure this out.
I've honestly? never been more at a loss for thoughts
in my life.
im making this entry public
so perhaps ANYONE can explain it to me
also my probation officer doesn't even know
who searched my live journal account either
and i don't know HOW they did it
because when I search for my name?
it doesn't show up....
nothing really makes sense in my entire case
I wish there was a way I could perhaps fix it
or like...tell someone to get fucked
and just end it
and be a normal OUI case. and just breath in that breathalizer doohickey
which by the way, almost made me pass out today.
I hate being sick.
BUT IM NEVER TAKING SUDAFED AGAIN
because it might have morphine in it =/
in other news, my mom STILL has yet to go to insurance agency
I have to wake up tomorrow at 8 to go there early.
just so that i can...diddle some paperwork around
and get insurance again.
i also told faith to go fuck herself for saturday
cause i'm not working again =]
she can pay me the 550-700 bucks they owe me
and maybe ill consider babysitting OCCASIONALLY
i dont like being mary poppins anymore.
hmm, im hungry.
DO HEROIN ADDICTS EAT?!?!
CAUSE I DO.
i shoulda just been like
"barbara, look at my arms, do you see tracks??
nope. IM FAT, i can't do drugs. fat people don't do drugs"
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| www.myspace.com/colbiecaillat |
[21 May 2007|10:59pm] |
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ColbieCaillat-Oxygen |
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I came a part inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy
Who had a dream of making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over
My feet like bricks underwater
How am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen
Oh baby, let me be your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, can I be your lady
I am going crazy for you
And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had a drive for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside
Down to a place where you've been waiting
How am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen
Oh baby, can I be your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, can I be your lady
I am going crazy for you
Don't wanna keep me waiting
Staring at my fingers
Feeling like a fool
Oh baby, can I be your lady
I am going crazy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, let me be your lady
I will make you happy
Tell me what you want
Baby Tell me what you need
Anything I ask, baby give it to me
Baby give it to me, give it to me
Give it to me, give it to me
Baby give it to me, give it to me
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[27 Mar 2007|09:58am] |
Oh I just thought I'd let the Bolton Police know...that they are very nice people
however the cunt in court? she's not. you guys keep her ♥
she was rude, and unecessary when I asked a very nice question
"exscuse me for asking ma'am, but how was this aqquired"
for the sheer fact that 23 pages of my livejournal was brought up.
I'm sorry that I keep a record of my life
a diary if you will, for no one else but myself
It almost makes me wish that when I had been arrested
that I had like 40 bags on me
a bloody nose
and like....puked on one of the cops
or something intense like that.
I mean I'm sure the woman is a very nice lady
Has a nice family, husband, dogs, kids, picket fence.
But being a cunt to a nice girl in court is unnapreciated.
The fact of the matter is that I have to keep my livejournal private from now on.
Because I dont want to screen my life from myself.
I've always kept a record of it sice I was 10.
I enjoy looking back and reading about stupid shit I've done.
Me and Timmy are moving into an apartment
in legit like.... a month, maybe even a week haha.
I dont know what to do with myself.
It's gunna be like 100 bucks a week if even.
We decided to stock the fridge with cocaine the energy drink.
because if we're not doing drugs. thats our new drug
a case of 24 is 55 dollars.
fuck.
I did tons of really cool stuff yesterday
but if your not my livejournal friend
like the bolton police, you can't read it.
Oh and I also just wanted to tell you?
That when I went to nashoba?
Mr.Roach took my weed like 12 times
and never called you =]
in other news my mom is very proud of me
for the fact that I wasn't driving the other night
its the only thing that makes her happy
is that I went "TOO DRUNK" and pulled over
...and well, err slumped over.
I guess when the cops showed up
I went
"woah, who the hell are you man? what are you doing here?"
I realized that I had drank 15 beers
plus 1/2 a bottle of rum.
because I started boozing at 11am.
I also blew a .14 on te BAC.
if your under 21, .02 is the legal LIMIT for you
if your 21...its .08.
I was a .14
the woman told me that was "too much" for a girl of my size
I kinda wanted to be like, well 1 i've never been one of the girls
two. i drink ALOT and my tolerance is more than your average fuck
so basically, I was .02 away from being double the legal limit
my mom just kinda stared at me at that point.
when we sat down I was like "sorry, I can drink"
but enough about that
I'd just like to say thanks to the nice man in probation
and to the guy that reminded me of Mr.Feeny
and the fact that I saw 2 kids I went to highschool with
3 kids I've partied with within the past month
and an old guy that I think did crack =D
Oh and to fucking Mineudo wannabe
that sat legit less than a foot away from me
on a bench.
that was EMPTY besides my mom, myself, and him.
personal bubble telemundo, seriously.
I'm still excited that I'm going to Jamaica.
and that my parents are selling me fucking car.
thats ANOTHER new one. but I'm paying for part of it
oh wow....i'm moving out =D
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| Officer, I'm tired. can I sit? |
[25 Mar 2007|07:25pm] |
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Cold-WastedYears |
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Friday night.
was adam and timmy on perks night
so after we finished a 30 rack
I bought us a 10 dollar bottle of rum
bad idea.
we all died a little bit
i got a splinter?
the second we woke up
I realized i wanted nothing to do with ahangover
so i started pounding rum and coke
was cocked by noon
adam timmy and i and timmy's little sister
all had a snowball fight
like a REAL one with snow
not coccaine
then i realized i was drunk
and needed to go to the bank
took out money
then i bought a 30 rack
and we went to gareffi's house
to hang out with JOSE
and val
rolled a blunt
and bought teenage mutant ninja turtle happy meals
bought 2 more 30 rack's
and i dont really remember much else.
we went to a party somewhere...
i apparently fell INTO timmy
and tried to cover it up by saying i was giving him a hug
and i guess adam gave timmy the death stare
then i did a 20 step in a circle trying to...
stand still.
then i guess i asked timmy for another beer
and he wouldn't give me one
so i left.
adam drove himself home.
i still remember none of this
i got pulled over
even though i was already pulled over hahaha
did a sobriety test
blew a breathalizer
the cops thought i was great =] no lie haha
except for one of them
so I called him a dickfuck and that im sorry his life sucked
and he got pushed in lockers as a teenager.
i was like yeah, a 4'11 girl just said that to you.
HOW COOL IS YOUR LIFE.
I called my dad to bail me out.
I kept getting outa the handcuffs cause they were too big
i was a riot, not like...difficult
I cost 40 bucks to get outa jail
I have court on monday in clinton
im probably going to get a cinderella license
or juist get the charges dropped and be on probation
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. adam just goes "hey, we're both sober..how awkward is that"
and the truth is, it is.
i think my parents are gunna buy me something
they think i have a huge drinking problem
and am unhappy with living here
so maybe ill get an apartment outa it
thanks dad, material things dont make me happy
i drink everyday cause thats what i have for now.
in a year i wont be able to.
i wanna have a snowball fight....
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| BALLIN? ok stacy. |
[23 Mar 2007|01:30pm] |
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YoungBuck-GettingHigh |
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Woah. shut it down.
Adam came and hung out with me around 6 at work...
And I got out at about 9:30.
Then we went and picked up a blunt wrap.
And he drove, I rolled, we parked, and he fixed it.
I couldn't tighten it cause my nails are too long.
I can't stand this whole "being a girl thing"
The other night we're hanging out at Andy's
and some slut called him and goes "what are you doing"
and his answer was "nothing just drinking beers with the dudes"
and i screamed SAUSAGE FESTTTTT
and he goes, yeah...your part of the dudes fest.
so last night we'er sitting in my car
and im breaking up the bag of bud and he looks at me and goes
"baby...this is weird. we don't smoke
i mean, we DO...but not just smoke.
we drink, and we get wicked jacked.
we buy tons of bags but we dont JUST SMOKE"
and then we kinda just giggled at eachother.
and i finished, and we sparked the blunt.
wicked baked, thanks.
my car still smells amazing.
i haven't fishbowled it in a few weeks actually, weird.
we're getting a handle of jack daniels tonight
so that we can be sloppy fal UP the stairs drunk
cause beer doesn't get me that amazing durnk anymore
its the same thing over and over
i wanna get messy.
....i think i have a problem.
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| vh1 |
[22 Mar 2007|02:55pm] |
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music |
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XbishopX-Getfucked |
] |
i'm bored.
adam's comming to watch jadyn for me for like an hour.
cause i have to go to the bank and punch someone.
last night we went to like every ATM possible
and i hated life.
then we went to my house
then we stole a gas tank from my garrage
and it gave me a good 1/2 tank.
wooooooooooooo
julia roberts daughter is kinda awkward looking. k thanks
|
|
|
[21 Mar 2007|12:17pm] |
uhhh ...
so yesterday i decided to drink as many beers as there are stars on the flag...
i sucessfully drank the stripes too.
me and timmy went on a mission to fitchburg to get the energy drink coccaine
we mixed it with beer and i named it a coke bomb
its delicious. fuck you
drank all night
went to andy's house
blew a couple of grams
went back to timmys
got 2 bags fronted
finished them.
i dunno if i'm crashing or something but somethings wrong
i can't stop crying
i just spent 45 minutes on the phone with jake
crying and he helped
he's a good kid
still my best friend
and he told me that he still knows me better than anyone else
and i hate that
i dont want anyone to know me
i kinda in all honesty
just want to leave this town.
...i just wanna start over.
|
|
| EICH LEIBAN DEUTSH LAND |
[20 Mar 2007|04:53pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
DJ Adolf-HitlerParty |
] |
Went to the movies with Adam and Litterio last night
Brought a 30 rack in ... in my purse hahaha
Saw the movie Dead Silence, it was actually good.
Some dudes got mad at us
cause I threw my beer can over my shoulder.
and they threw a hammer at my car
So we threw a crowbar at them
Then my car stopped....
so jonny and adam pushed it
and it started again?
so litterio got me gas
and then we went to denny's shitfaced
as per usual
and made a mess of ourselves
then dropped off jonny
and me and adam went to bed.
i legit like...sacked the fuck out.
i woke up to him giving me drooly kisses on my forehead
and i kinda just looked at him
called him a "fuck" and went back to sleep.
So I'm going to pick up mr.Timmy Gannon right now
and hit up the packie
then get a free bag of blow
and a free line off someone else
and then I'm going to drink as many beers
as there are stars on the flag.
yeah, i said it.
|
|
| SWEET SIXTEEN |
[16 Mar 2007|02:13pm] |
|
Adam had court today
and he's not in jail
neither is timmy
i'm so fucking excited for them both haha
...of course his license is suspended indefinetly haha
and Timmy has to "seek help" and his trial is to be continued
whatever. thats such good luck though
esp cause he skipped 2 drug tests
and failed one..for coke
and they didn't send him to jail
woo!
and adam only has a year probation woop!
anyways
of course after that
i let adam timmy and mike gareffi
take my car IN THE SNOW to go to the mall haha
they showed up and i was like..oh what a group =]
i'm so rested though
me and adam only had afew beers at faith's last night
and then went home at like 1am
and i went to bed right away
and then even took another nap here with jadyn =]
whateba
i should be outa here before 9 tonight
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i hope i get to see my
chelsea face
edit:
its too snowy out to live =/
so adam's bringing me back my car
so we can hang outttttttttttttttttt
here's how that went
"bring back my baby, NOW!"
"but your my baby"
"NO I'M NOT, BRING ME MY CAR"
"in that case, you mean my car."
bah humbug.
in other news
i blew my nose
and i heard a pop
and about 123480348 pounds of blood poured out
i think i'm officially a coke head
|
|
| eeee! |
[15 Mar 2007|11:35am] |
so
me and adam watched the departed last night
there is literally 10 seconds of coke in it...
so after it ended i looked at him and said
"do you wanna get a bag tonight"
and he just looked at me and went...
"FUCK."
so i picked up a 100 bag right off the bat.
then threw in on a 50 with jonny...
i couldn't tell you 1/2 the shit that happened.
we only bought a 20pack of beer between the two of us too.
it was weird
so we ran out...and it was a little sad
oh well.
i'm babysitting
comming down
and thinking about sleeping.
yeahhhhhh i probably will
oh and dear chelsea,
i know how to spell my drug of choice
i just care not to spell anything anymore
i used to be such a stickler for typo's or anything
but now? fuck it.
i'm spun as fuck right now
and the worst thing is...i just wanna sleep haha
cause i haven't slept yet, obviously.
bah humbug.
|
|
| All Lit Up Again |
[14 Mar 2007|04:15pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
DropkickMurphy's-ShippingOffToBoston |
] |
Spent the night spooning with Adam
bah. we kicked eachothers ass is more like it haha
sometimes shitfaced = we beat eachother up
i woke up cause he was poking me in the head
and then we got denny's for the billionth time
grilled cheese =] yuppppp
oh well
i'm going to get numnums with heathurr
in a wee bit <333
oh and im gunna pick up some COCCAINE
like...the energy drink haha
& then im gunna get fucking shitfaced
like usual
ps-call me an alcoholic again and i will stab you =P
i booze cause i CAN not cause i NEED TO
fuck. if i needed it? life would be weird haha
|
|
| More of a hassel than a friend |
[13 Mar 2007|10:49am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
BuryYourDead-HouseOfStraw |
] |
Some people are just stupid, the end.
I don't care enough anymore about anything.
I wish I did...but I can't.
In other news
I hung out with Jake last night
we went to the ink shop so andy could stretch my ears
thennnn i took him to McDonalds and new york bling blink haha
we got sunglasses and a bracelet.
legit GANGSTUH shit
then we drove aruond...and talked.
i feel honestly really bad for him
He's going insane and his life sucks
he knows it...
And I felt bad saying it, but I'm happy.
I'm like honestly doing good right now.
and everything makes perfect sense.
I'm sorry that his girlfriend is too naive
and he already knows they won't last
I'm sorry that he's so in debt
I'm sorry that he can't get his license
I'm sorry that no one else besides me still helps
But I'm not sorry that I'm happy right now
I dunno, I felt geniunly bad
After i dropped him off I went to go pick up Adam from work
and the whole ride in my car I felt like crying
it just put me in a weird mood
To know that someone I'm friends with
has that kind of life
I wish I could do more, but I can't
Besides lend him money here and there
give him a ride or two or listen to him
He can't talk to his gf...she's too, "nice"
and in the dark.
she can't handle it
I dunno. I just felt bad.
Whatever.
Me and Adam went to go back to the movies
but my card was being screwy so we just went home instead.
we're weird....officially.
|
|
| waiting to fall |
[12 Mar 2007|10:44am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ParkwayDrive-RomanceIsDead |
] |
Thursday night, me and adam went on a "date"
yeah thats what he insisted it was
i bought him a $5.99 Guiness haha
went to a kegger at Val's
apparently passed out
woke up with a sweet ass tramp stamp tattoo
thanks.
Woke up late the next day
didn't have to work
finished the keg with timmy and jace
went to andy big's house
blew lines all day
i'm surprised i'm alive still, in actuality
bought a 30 rack
picked up adam
more lines
went to heathurr's
slumber party on the couchhhhhh
the next day i went to eat with heathurr
and went shopping
then picked up adam from work
went to paul's for a beer bonfire
legit. we spent all saturday sober
it was so fucking weird
went to denny's
then i dropped him off at home
sunday...we went and got my medusa peirced
then bought a bottle of jack daniels
cause you can't drink beer cause of the yeast
with a new facial peircing
got shitfaced and went and saw the movie 300
yeah here's how much i remember of it
then went to denny's AGAIN
and spent the rest of the night in my car
being drunk and being cute.
he still insisted everything we do is a date
this whole having a man thing is awakward if you ask me
i'm babysitting right now and jadyn's sick
i hope i get what he has?
bye.
|
|
| I don't need plastic surgery |
[08 Mar 2007|07:49am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dsfhsdhfk go fuck yourself |
] |
Hi. um yes, I'm alive? Monday I picked up Adam from work at 9:30 then was just gunna go home. Ended up buying a 30rack...and a 100bag and staying up all day/night. Dropped off money to jake at 11am...then sobered up for work. Went home for 10 minutes to change. then picked up Timmy and Adam and cashed my check. Picked up 2 more 30racks. And they already had another 100bag. Went to Val Monez's house with Gareffi...and brought another 30rack. Litterio came on 1 condition, that his first 3 drinks...were funnelled. Amazing. Some puertoriccan boy dropped off a 50bag. It was funny cause Val passed out, Jonny was too rowdy, and Mike was shitfaced. Me Timmy and Adam were fine. I think its cause we've just reached the peak of never sober anymore. However, we all had fucking nosebleeds. The whole night is on video...including Timmy teaching us the proper way to tie a coccaine bag...hah. Whateve. I have to work at noon today. And I think i might actually go get more sleep for once.
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|
| NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN |
[05 Mar 2007|09:50am] |
It's been a long...week. I apparently drank 1/2 a 30rack and apparently passed out on Adam. The next night after work I hung out with Timmy and Adam and this ruined our lives. Or motto was basically "no sleep till brooklyn" We didn't sleep from friday to sunday. Went through 6 30racks...all day, all night. and 800bucks worth of 50bags of coke. We persay had a "snowball fight" No literally, i picked up bags and threw them. There was alot of amazing/hilarious shit that happened, but in all honesty, yuo had to of been there. And yes, I mean 800bucks worth of blow. At one point Timmy goes, "You know what? I don't even like coke......" and we expect him to go on about how he wishes he could quit, and he just goes "i just fucking love it." So I deemed him the coccaine fairy. It happens. I tried eating yesterday, it turned out okayish. I haven't eaten since tuesday. And I need to or I'll like passout. But whateve. I almost got pulled over because I had to pick up litterio from the woods at 4am. But I'm fucking wicked lucky. Ko-jack's having a baby, wicked weird. but oh well. We got a cat stuck in a bush.
highlight of the weekend was yelling GET FUCKED and YOU DUMB at everyone.
the origin of get fucked was because of when the old lady at the packie told timmy to get fucked the otherday at 7:55am trying to buy a 30rack.
the origin of you dumb is because he said something WICKED STUPID to me at some point..and i was so baffled that i was attempting to yell you dumb fuck...but just said YOU DUMB wicked loud. and stopped talking...and tried to pretend it never happened.
so at one point i went to the Dunkin Donut's drivethrough and asked:
"hi can i get a big mac?"
"....no"
"why not?????"
"cause this isn't mcdonalds.."
"oh really? WELL YOU CAN GET FUCKED THEN"
went through McDonalds
"hi can i get a coffee coolata?"
"no, i'm sorry we don't have those"
"with extra whipped cream"
"...we dont' have those."
"oh this isn't McDunkins?...well you can probably go get fucked"
we told some girl at cumbies to get fucked, eachother, people that called, i yelled it at a comcast guy that came to the door, gas station attendants, cops, everyone. no one else appreciated it though. and anytime anyone said anything stupid. YUO DUMB was screamed.
bah hah.
we went to the lancaster flea market on sunday morning piss drunk and walked around. adam yelled PEDOFILE and pointed at me. Timmy asked old people were the condom section was. And I asked for where the spoons and baking soda were [to cook my crack, ya know.] Anyways Timmy and Adam literally held hands for like 3.3 seconds...and some woman went buy and went "you boys make a cute couple, and don't every let anyone tell you different." After that...we ran out. Gannon goes I'M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT. WE'RE THROUGH Adam doesn't even say anything untill we get to the car where he just yells THAT WAS FUCKED. and shrivled in the corner with his beer. After that we realized that the packie's weren't even open untill 12 cause it was sunday...so we called the world for beer. After it was aqquired...I went back to heathurr's cause no sleep till brooklyn and about 15 bags of blow made me loopy. I forced myself into comatose sleep. Comming down was the most awkward ever. Now I'm actually tired for once though.
|
|
| Clam bake |
[02 Mar 2007|04:22pm] |
|
....i swear to god
clinton massachusettes will be the death of me.
Tuesday night I picked up Adam and we went to Timmy's
had a few beers, nothing big. dropped adam off around 2am
and then me and timmy decided to stay up...untill 8am
cause thats when the packie's opened.
Yeah. thats right.
We stayed up all night because we could buy beer at 8.
I smoked a bowl in the hospital parking lot with stokes.
And then went to the packie.
The lady literally told timmy to "get fucked"
thats what she said.
So we left, and picked up the first 30 rack from applecountry.
I guess we had woken up adam like 4 times
yelling
"41 MINUTES TILL WE CAN BUY BEER"
so he was up haha. so we went over there
at 9...to watch employee of the month and drink.
I left around 10 to go home and shower etc.
Dad was home, we drank for about an hour
I took a shower.
Took 4 beers in the shower with me.
I did my makeup...and passed out in the middle of it.
No food, no sleep, too much weed = zzZZZZZzzzz
So I wake up at 2....and timmy and adam are getting tattoo's
So I pick up Kelli and we head out there beers in hand.
Finished off a 30 rack...it's stil only about 3pm.
Pick up another 30rack when they're done getting ink.
Drop Adam off at his house so he can hang out with his son
And timmy back at his place.
Me and kelli go back to my house, she takes a shower.
I get dressed. we smoke a blunt in my room.
myspace it abit hahahahah
Went back to clinton
Picked up Heathurr from drivers-ed.
Went to McDonalds
drove her home...
back to clinton
Picked up Mike, timmy and adam... AGAIN.
And headed out to worcestor.
Another 30 rack and a bottle of captain morgans.
I guess somewhere around this point is where I started losing my mind.
...or sober status.
Mind you we got out there around 10pm
and have been drinking since 8....made me loopy
I guess we played asshole.
apparently
I guess we finished off another 2 bags of blow
APPARENTLY
i guess adam gauged my ears for me
i remember this..cause it hurt for some reason
and i sobered up for 3 seconds
apparently i drove home fucking terrible
everytime something bad happened..
all you cuold hear was 3 beer cans being opened hahaha
Dropped off Mike...then went back to Timmy's.
Finished off another bag of blow.
to be completely honest we had a "snowball fight" if you will haha
Me and adam stayed up all night being cute and stuff
and beating the shit outa eachother.
I went to work around 11am.
Finished around 4...
Picked up Adam and timmy and went to the mall so he cuold get a drink to pass his drug test.
i basically told him he's gunna go to take the test
and a bags gunna fall in the cup haha.
We had a surprise. adam found a bag in his shirt pocket.
So we did a bump on the way back into town.
I dropped them off
And then went and hungout with heathurr
....dont remember much more.
but i ended up going back to pick up adam
and somehow we ended up going back to applecountry
and i bought us a 30rack to split
and headed back up to Tony and Faith's
started drinking.
I got through 12 beers and said
Adam, i can't split this...you have the rest.
I packed a bowl. and tony showed us his hooka
I woke up this morning hating life.
I guess I didn't even drive adam home, faith did.
oh and another apparently...
i guess i passed out on him haha
they're out getting 8balls right now
and then stopping by to say hi.
no drugs while im babysitting though
i do have SOME common sense.
tony and faith know everything i do, done, whatever.
so life's fine.
i dunno what i'm doing tonight
but the way my life is...
it could be anything.
oh and i finally ate today.
i haven't pissed normally in 3 days
cause all i've had in me, was beer, blow, and weed.
THATS IT. so i tried to have mcdonalds...
got 3 bites into my burger and decided it wasn't worth it =]
well yeah. im out
|
|
| Nashoba Lock Down |
[27 Feb 2007|03:07pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Disney channel |
] |
I got my new car yesterday
was involved in a 4 car accident today
haha not my fault though
there was a 3 car pile up in front of me
and i barley bumped the car in front of me
no major damage. their cars fine
my bumpers cracked a bit.
bah humbug. i sterssed about it alot more than i should of
i called adam to tell him and laugh at myself
just left a voicemail. cause it was 8am. didn't wanna wake him
he ends up calling me back
and talks to me for 2 hours while i drive around and do nothing
=]
he currently has my car right now
cause i didnt want him to skip work
so i let him borrow it...& he's bringing it back to me at 7
i'm at Faith's, nannying. duh.
waiting for her to get home so we can make her a MYSPACE!
and uhhhhhh hang out! weeeeeeeee
i feel sick =/ bleh
i can't eat anything lately. i hate life
but i lubs myspace.
|
|
| ...Just A Spoon Full Of Sugar |
[26 Feb 2007|09:45am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
...i dont give a fuck |
] |
I wanna go to sleep
It's snowy
Its 9:45am
I've been up since 7:30
I spent last night on the phone with the world
firs gorskei called me baked
then jonny
then timmy
then litterio again.
...then i did laundry
at 2am.
and then I went to bed.
someone called me at 3...I dont remember who though
I'm going to pick up el carro neuvo a...todayO!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i really need to stop being in the best mood
in the entire world, ever.
i think i make people sick sometimes haha
but yeah. bye.
me and jadyn are gunna hang out and drink milk
outa our sippys...because he's the best 2 year old everrrrrrrr
oh and uhh
i'm the best mary poppins ever
|
|
| dead niggers |
[25 Feb 2007|05:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fan fucking TESTicalllllllllll |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
illNiNO-ThisTimesForReal.... haha blast from age 15 eh? |
] |
My parents bought me another new car yesterday
Yeah, thats number 3 since october.
I appreciate it so much really
I dont even care what kinda car I have anymore.
However, I got a nissan sentra.
It's no greenie, RIP civic
because that car was my fucking homie
but whateve
Tabby will be just fine =]
Anyways, I babysat till 2am again.
Basically from 9:30 pm...
to noon this morning
Adam called me piss drunk.
Him and timmy gannon
woke me up
every hour...on the hour
from 6am...to noon.
Timmy professed his love for me, again.
And then professed Adam's love for me.
Then adam passed out apparently
and they superglued his fingers together.
Around 12:30 I decided fuck this
And went to sleep.
Woke up at 4pm. amazing
I pick up my car tomorrow.
& then I think I'm going to pick up a new bowl
or maybe a bong...maybe with Dan
so that we can smoke.
I really honestly enjoy my rides home with Faith lol
And I'm going to miss them.
But now instead of driving home at 2am and hating life.
I can just stay there like before I crashed lol
and we can be insane women together
I think the best thing she said to me was
"Tell adam if he gets an A on his test, he'll get a blowjob"
I think, I think it was amazing.
And the fact that I yelled WEENIE ROAST outa the window
at people having a barbecue on a pond? fucking idiots.
was a little bit more amazing.
here is my life right now;
avoid any type of relationship i could have
with anyone of the opposing sex.
& ignoring any sign of them showing interest
why? because i can.
I told timmy i'm "bad news"
he then SUPERglued a beer to adam's hand
fucking hoe-larious
anyways. i have to do like 12 loads of laundry.
So that I have clothes to wear.
to work and stuff.
Cause all I wear is sweatpants and sweatshirts
cause obviously a 2 year old boy, doesn't care lol.
I mean cummon, he used his potty seat bowl
as a cereal bowl yesterday
CAHMAAAANNNNNNNNNNN.
=D
i'm always in a good mood haha.
although i think my body has forcfully become aneorexic
I can't eat anything. oh well. holla to weight loss?
if it becomes an issue, ill go to the dr's.
but it might already be an issue.
because there is steak next to me, and I dont want to eat it =/
WEIRRRRD
|
|
| Amityville |
[24 Feb 2007|10:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Better now |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elysia-Masochist |
] |
I worked all day yestrday.
Me and Faith hung out till about 2:30am...
when tony came home.
She brought me home.
We were both so sleep deprived,
that we laughed about Deer's
and having a pet deer, that you could RIDE!
it was funnier at 3am...
I got home & realized I had weed in my room.
It was the best gift ever.
I smoked a bowl before bed.
And fell asleep in like 10 minutes.
I woke up and smoked a bowl ... good morning stow.
I also woke up, to my mom talking shit about me,
to my dad.
Basically I don't ever believe anything that comes outa her mouth.
"Jake's going to jail"
WHAT THE DICK WOMAN, ARE YOU FUCKING ILL?
I said he was in debt. the end. thats all I ever said to you about him.
Speaking of jail though, Mr.Adam calls me last night
"hey sweety"
"hiiiii adaaammmm"
"what are you doin man?"
"babysitting, you?"
"noice, just getting arrested"
...i hear cops in the background.
"YOU DUMB FUCK"
...he calls me back like 10 minutes later
"what are you doing"
"still babysitting....how was getting arrested, are you bailed out?"
"nah, the cops know me..so they're giving me a ride home right now"
"Well I'm glad your safe, are you going to school tomorrow"
"yeah i have a test"
"GOOD!"
"lets get wrecked tomorrow hunni"
"more than you are now?"
"i'm not that drunk sweetheart"
...he starts giggling...mind you he's been drinking since 3pm
[which is a late start for him even]
"ok adam, well i'll talk to you later"
"ok bye darling."
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
i can always tell when he's drunk
cause he calls me darling, or sweety, or hunni
evey 2 seconds.
i'm going car shopping as soon as im outa the shower =D
WISH ME FUCKING LUCK <3333333333
|
|
| above me |
[23 Feb 2007|06:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fucking not happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
PillarOfAutumn-FoundMyWay |
] |
So I get no sleep
I wake up
something irks me, i yell at someone.
i win, i was right, your wrong. the end.
I call my mom cause she said she'd give me a ride to work
no answer
finally she calls me back screaming at me
telling me she's taking her CNA test
..sorry mom, cause you told me your test was SATURDAY
and that you could drive me to work on FRIDAY
so I call nay, she goes
"yeah im going to pick up c riss, ill call you when im there"
10 minutes later i get a myspace message
"i can't drive you"
So I have to call Jake, cause I know his sister Ellen is there.
Ellen lievs in clinton.
So Ellen ends up giving me a ride to Faiths, yeah the other martino sister
so that I can work.
I get here, I do nothing for a while...and I call my mom.
"Mom, can you do me a huge favor, if you can't...thats fine. I just want you to bring my cell phone charger to me in clinton, its a little important, but not that huge of a deal."
"No, I don't want to"
...ok, so I hang up. she's been a bitch to me for the past week, I'm overi t.
she calls me an hour later
"I found 2 guns in your room"
"they're bbguns mom, dad has the same thing"
" i dont even know why i try and help you after what you did to me in the bank the other day"
"whats that mom, i got out from opening an account, looked at you, you looked upset, so i asked you what was wrong? and you started yelling at me?...right mom, sorry that you were the one taht was being rude. and i tried to help you and comfort you"
"kjhdfjsklhfkljshjdkfshfs IM A HUGE CUNT"
"whatever mom, let me talk to dad plaese?"
"no."
"why not"
"because i said so."
"well, he's my father and I'd like to talk to him"
yeah. so she hung up on me.
whatever.
she called back and told me she was bringing me my cell phone charger
I really dont understand this woman
so now I had to call jake and ask him how much his bbguns are
he told me between the both of them they are about 60bucks
which I knew cause I bought one of them for him.
but I just wanted him to know, he's not getting the guns
just the money.
so basically. here was today.
stupid, and shitty.
and i have a huge headache
and i think its cause i haven't smoked pot in 24 hours
all in all. jadyn is making a mess
and im not in the mood for anything today. fuck it.
|
|
| ...I know I'll just be right back |
[22 Feb 2007|05:36pm] |
I always get the upper hand, in ever situation.
bah hah, I always win.
I'm rediculously happy with my life the way it is.
And I realized some things.
I'm strangely a nicer person.
It might not SEEM LIKE IT.
I could act like more of a cunt.
But pfft, that just means I dont like you. Sowwyyy.
In actuality, I've gained more apprecation.
for my friends, even my family.
myself.
I've never been more of my own biggest fan;
than I am now.
Despite how weird and ary things go...
I've made it, thats the best thing I can hold on to right now
I've goddamn made it.
I don't have to worry about debt
or getting rides.
Or where I'm going to live in a few months.
The fact that I can't afford college.
Running out of money...running out of luck.
Every ounce of me is so grateful right now
for the fact that I can still go to school
and get a rediculously high paying job
because I'm still smart. I may not show it
But I have my brains.
I might get married someday...
I might not
I don't hold anyone in mind either
Sometimes it'd be nice to know
but you don't, you can't
cause if you think you do
you might get a divorce anyways
oh well, I always get to keep the best assets
and the best 1/2 of the divorce items =D
All I know is
I'm going to have a kid
as soon as I can stand on my own two feet
and then some...I will bring someone else into this world
I want someone to be able to experience the great life
like I did
and I want to love them
and show them how things can be amazing
I would cherish every second with my own flesh and blood
Because it would be the most family to me I've ever had
yesterday.
I smoked a bowl with Heathurr
then smoked a bowl with Darren and Nate
bed was amazing.
bye.
|
|
|
[21 Feb 2007|09:15pm] |
im baked.
& my life didn't just get uber weird or something...
fuck no dude, its wicked normal right now
i'm even actually watching
ONE TREE HILL
fucl, things are deffinetly weird.
i also probably shouldn't have big serious conversations
when im baked, cause they shouldn't happen...
well actually they should
because everything happens.
i dunno. bye
|
|
| ...you wouldn't know love |
[20 Feb 2007|02:36pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TheFaceless-AnAutopsy |
] |
last night
tonucci picked me up
stole books from barnes and nobles
then stole pictuer frames from michael
went to conquest video
had a swell time there
with brett bob0 and randy
awkward.
picked up some outdoors from danny
i rolled a purple haze blunt
killed it driving into clinton
went to gareffi's house
played asshole
bye bye beer haha
and higher or lower
except our own version of it
.nigger or redneck.
left mike's at 1:30am. cause i was sleep
i live in stow..so we went to leominster for taco bell
it wasn't open
went to fitchburg for taco bell
not open
got mcdonalds
went to gas station for drink
i packed a bowl
i got home
ate chocolate cake
=]
now im at workkkkkk.
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3
|
|
| Smashed Sunday's |
[18 Feb 2007|10:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Satisfied =] |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
BLOOD FOR BLOOD NIGGUHHH |
] |
Today was good
I went out to eat with my mom and dad
It was like...good haha
like we actually talked through dinner
& were a family.
My dad's buying me a new car this week
here's the deal;
"Get whatever you want, I don't care.
as long as its not more expensive,
than the car we bought you LAST month"
so I'm looking for a 6grand car.
fucking amazing =D
( So Common, So Cheap )
|
|
| Gravity Has Taken Better Men Than Me |
[18 Feb 2007|01:46pm] |
My myspace
yeah, the one I've had since I was 15
is gone...
I don't really know what to do with myself
I already made a new one
same name, same url.
www.myspace.com/im_god
stab me, please?
|
|
| I've Seen a Castle In Whales |
[17 Feb 2007|04:03pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
City&Colour-SaveYourScissors |
] |
I'll never take any pictures
Cause I know I'll just be right back ♥
I went and picked up everything that was in my car today
Me and my dad went...
insurance is totaling my car.
So I have to go buy ANOTHER new one next weekend.
My dad didn't even blink.
besides, we're not paying for it.
Deborah, the woman that hit me is.
I'm going to call her.
And say thank you.
Thank you for killing my baby.
Thank you for driving unsafely on an on ramp to 495.
Thank you for going 60 mph in a 25.
For not looking at my break lights.
Thank you for not getting out of your car,
and making ME come to YOU.
Thank you for crying, instead of bucking up,
and apologizing.
I'm glad your ok though, Debbie.
Can I call you Debbie?
I'm glad that you called the police.
I probably woulda just swore alot at them.
Thank you for contributing to me
probably not going back to school.
That was my biggest thing
I was excited to go back to school
strangely enough.
But this is like the 3rd time,
that somethings gone wrong.
in accordance to me going back.
And I'm just fed up.
It's worth it.
But I'm so sick of it. really.
I just wanna get my GED
and go to quinsig next year.
No more hassle.
No more nothing.
I just wanna move on in my life.
I know I have forever.
and I'm young.
..well, yeah, I guess that makes sense.
I'm only 18. I can wait.
Who knows.
right now
all I want to do really
is sleep.
I never get sleep.
ever.
and I'm not good without sleep.
things start to go...
strange, and wrong.
I'm babysitting.
as usual.
2pm to 2am.
yesterday I did the same thing.
I need to renegotiate my pay.
|
|
| Valentines Day |
[14 Feb 2007|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
I'm always happppyyyyyyyyyyyy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
StretchArmstrong-TheSoundOfNamesDropping |
] |
I spent all day today at my house
with my mom, of all people.
& you know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way.
=D
I talked to my "man friend"
For 4 hours. Strangely, cute things were said.
And when I say cute, you know its goddamn cute.
Cause I have too much man parts in me, to think anything...
ANYTHING, is ever cute.
I talked to my insurance company about the accident.
My car is being fixed for free...
But I might have to wait like, a month.
Bah, whatever. I can deal.
I waited 6 months.
I dunno if I should just get another car.
Or get the spivic fixed.
I've only had greenie for about a month and 1/2.
Bah humbug.
i'm in a good mood. It's 11:17pm
and I have to wake up at 6am.
goodnight ♥
|
|
| Karma |
[12 Feb 2007|07:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 soreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
something stupid probably |
] |
I didn't wanna say it but
'wat goes around, comes around'
i got mine.
some woman crashed into my car on 495 today
she cried.
i was still in a good mood though.
bahhh humbug.
i still bought a 30 rack
and went to ko-jack's with adam and litterio
timmy and cavenaugh were there.
finished off a bag of snow
meh, its time for bed.
|
|
| ballin' |
[07 Feb 2007|10:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungover...for no reason |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cell phone ringtones. |
] |
I shotgunned beers last night with Darren and Nate
and played beer pong...with 3 cups.
and 2 quarters.
bah hah.
I feel sick.
And I'm going to blame Adam for it.
|
|
| Doodlebops |
[06 Feb 2007|11:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
GIDDDDDYYY |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
SickOfItAll-DieAlone |
] |
Yeahhhhhh
I'm nannying right now.
cause that's my job
for $150 a week
I nanny the cutest 2 year old ever.
Jake's nephew Jaden =]
I hung out at Heathurr's all day yesterday
waiting for her to get home.
Then she made me a quesadilluh <33
Picked up Mike Gareffi
and brought Adam some soup at work
because he was sick, and i'm a nice lady friend
bought litterio a subway sandwich
which took literally...15 minutes.
it was redic. gay
oh well.
jaden's watching Hibbley Town? or something
I dunno. JHe just drooled on my phone, dropped it. then took a picture.
=]
dskjhfskhf i dunno
i'm like overtantly happy lately
|
|
| Hey Kid, Listen. |
[04 Feb 2007|08:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tiwed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
OneDeadThreeWounded-BlackHole |
] |
thur :
drank with heathurr and darren
friday :
drank in clinton...at corbett's
for all of 20 minutes
then went to worcestor
with adam and litterio.
drank.
crashed my car into a sign in lancaster
yeah...fuck you snow.
FUCK YOU.
woke up heathurr at 2am.
me and adam slept on the floor
saturday :
wake up...
beat the crap outa adam for 3 hours
take him home. he skipped class hah
hang out with my babygirl.
met up with adam and litterio in hudson
back to woostah.
drank way to much for my fucking life
played the best game of beer pong of my life
...almost killed us driving
passed out on 495.
decided. bah. adam should drive.
so we did.
showed up at heathurr's to say good morning
ended up sleeping on the couch.
woke up drunk.
giggled =]
watched some tv show on trains.
brought adam home
made quessadilluh'z with zee wee one
now we're going to play pictionary
SO FUCK YOU
i'm also living on all of 4 hours of sleep
from the past 3 nights
so bear with me if i cry about something measly...
measles?
|
|
|
[01 Feb 2007|11:13am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ligeia-HeartAttack |
] |
face down in the dirt she says;
"this doesn't hurt"
she said," i've finally hurt enough"
-r.j.a.
I just realized how much of an fucking peice of shit I am. How much in my life I've ever taken for granted. People I've fucked over, and things I've overlooked without a second glance. I can't believe myself. I knew I wasn't perfect. But I dunno how I didn't notice how fucked up I am. I can't believe how many opportunities have been handed to me, to have everything great in this world. And I've just brushed them off without a 2nd thought. Well now I'm here to give my thoughts. I screwed up. And I have to get my life back. It took today's hangover to realize....I'm an idiot. Whatever tomorrow brings, i'll be there. I think I got it, I know where I'm going in life. It's not "getting things outa the way" anymore. It's finishing what I started. I set out to be something. And I set out to be someone. And I damn well will do just that. And no one, fucking no one, will stand in my way at this point. Bring me down, hold me back, or make me feel any less of myself. And thats a promise. To me also, I won't think any less of who I am. Because I just can't do it anymore. It's not healthy. Fuck it. I'm going to do something with my life. Weird, eh?
"It will take a million truths to remove one brick
from the wall you have built around yourself again.
You and I take a life."
-remembering never
|
|
|
[31 Jan 2007|01:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tiweeeeddddd |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
WithHonor-BottomsUp |
] |
Life's back again
and I fell into it way more comfortably than I thought...
I dunno if thats good, but I'm happy
I smoked joints at Timmy Gannon's house the other night
while listening to Blood 4 blood
and watching Family Guy.
with Adam.
I mean like actual joints....
not blunts.
joints. with rolling papers.
I havent touched those in years.
it was weird haha
man. clinton...welcome back haha.
I mean the REAL clinton.
|
|
|
[28 Jan 2007|05:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Crapfuckingtastical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Buckcherry-Everything |
] |
Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a meltdown Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her The look on her face a waste of time she won't let go gonna roll the dice Loosing her grace starts to cry I feel her pain when I look in her eyes I want to be I want everything, I want everything Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better Praying to God and breathing deep gotta break this long obsession If I had everything would I still want to be alive or want to be
high Now and then she talks to me and sometimes writes me letters Your eyes, never close your eyes open up your mind and you can have everything
after crying for 6 hours straight.
i stop and sat in my car the other day head resting against my steering wheel
this song came one...whats up life. seriously.
it sucked. it was the worst day i've had in a while.
but i'm strangely happy again.
not amazing...but just satisfied a little.
i realized something
jake was driving our car down the highway the other day
and i was looking out the window on the passenger side
Remember beign a kid and sitting in the back.
Everything went by faster if you looked out the side windows
But it was alot slower if you looked directly ahead.
But in your peripheral vision...the side view caught up.
I think thats my problem in life
I'm always looking to the side to speed things up
and not facing things head on
I wanna go back to being a kid sometimes
Like, I wanna play on the fucking monkey bars
and get blisters up and down my palms
I wanna be bad at easy division
I want to be 11 again and go to school dances
I wanna be 15 again and be insane and go through teen angst all over
I wanna be 17 again and drive around in my rav 4
Everything went downhill after that thing died
something needs to give.
I need a vacation.
I need new people.
I want my old life
just slightly altered.
|
|
|
[08 Jan 2007|11:01pm] |
Smile Like Your Trying To Remind Someone
|
|
| Cry Me a Fucking River bitch |
[03 Jan 2007|12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
FUCKING EXTSTATIC/GIDDY!!!!!!! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ParkwayDrive-PicturePerfect,Pathetic |
] |
Here is my life in a nutshell last week:
shitty
sick
stupid
as of the new year:
amazing
still sick
amazing
i bought a car today
a car
yeah
FINALLY
i'm exstatic
jake's an idiot
and i understand him
more than he knows really
he just doesn't know how to put things
and he hurts me in the process
but in all honesty
life is turning around
i spent all day driving around looking for a car
and i got one
so fuck yeah my mom's amazing to me rightnow
cause i told her to stop basically making me hate her
we're going to drive around all day 2mrw looking for a gym
i lost 5 pounds
i only have like 20 more to go
i'm getting inked on friday HOPEFULLY
No Day But Today
on my chest
yeah.
my life's moto is No Regrets
and i dont give a fuck if "no day but today"
is from rent...i goddamn liked that play
and i like that saying.....so fuck. i will get it.
i'm going back to school.
like
school school.
i'm enrolling back in fitburg again
i start in march
i was gunna do college courses in the summer
but you know what? no..i just wanna have fun again.
work and shit
then college in the fall.
here's my life.
mold it =D
|
|
| This christmas I gave you my....stomach lining? |
[26 Dec 2006|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Sick as fuckkkkkkkk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ParkwayDrive-SmokeEmIfYaGotEm |
] |
I woke up on christmas day around 11...
a little bit later my dad goes "oh hey, here"
hands me a box of imported chocolates like i predicted
He gave me 100 bucks too (I generally get alot more, but I'm not complaining, money is money)
I say "thanks dad!"
my mom ... from the other room goes
"you shouldn't eat those anyway, they'll make you blow up fatter"
My dad walks down the hallway and says
"when you get a gift, you should probably fucking say 'thanks' or something"
..."I did dad, didn't you hear me?"
"I guess not." in the coldest voice possible
So I spent the day alone.
Around 6 Jake picks me up
We go to his house
He plays in the other room with his new mp3 player for 2 hours on the comp
Then plays counterstrike
Calls everyone he knows and talks about his presents.
I'm glad he got what he wanted.
But if I wanted to watch tv alone for two hours, I woulda stayed home.
Whatever, we went to Denny's.
Sucked. I hadley ate really.
Went to see the movie Aragon or Eragon however you spell it.
It was really good.
Coulter decides he doesnt wanna drive me home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep at jake's house...for the 1st time in my entire life
So we had to sneak me in.
Changed the sheets on the bed around midnight...got under the covers.
I was awake till 5:30am.
Around 5:34 I decided I had to pee.
I go downstairs, I'm peeing...
I get a lurch in my stomach.
I then proceed to puke up the entire contents of my stomach...and then some
for an 20 minutes
I got upstairs, "jake, i'm realy sick"
he's nice, consoles me, gets me another blanket cause I'm shivering.
I ask him to get be a glass of water
And he goes...dude I have to get up for work in an hour
So I say nevermind and roll over.
10 minutes later....I'm gunna puke again.
I run downstairs, barley make it.
Puke, another 20 minutes.
Bring up some water, drink alot of it.
This goes on untill about 6:45.
I get dressed. Call a cab so me and jake can get to the mall cause he had work at 7
I get in the cab, wait for jake to bring down my wallet.
Another lurching feeling. Get outa the cab tell jake that I'll be there later.
I puke in his driveway for 10 minutes.
straight up water
I go upstairs, I puke in the bathroom...another 10 minutes.
I call a cab...get in the cab
Have to wait fucking 15 minutes for this other stop to come outa her house.
fucking nigger, I woulda killed her. But I couldn't move without hurting.
Get to the mall, Jake and Joe try and make me feel better.
I drink a mountain dew hoping it will help settle my stomach.
I call my mom to come pick me up.
"I'm sorry if I woke you, but I've been sick for the past 2-3 hours. can you please come pick me up?"
she starts YELLING at me about being sick.
I start crying cause I don't know what else to do.
She hangs up on me.
I puke at the mall a few times.
She picks me up.
I get in the cab and say "thanks mom"
and she goes "this isn't something to say thanks about, i'm not doing this because I care or want to...maybe if you went to school or something, i'd care about you being sick."
the entire time she's yelling about me...i'm telling her to please stop. just stop.
I can't go to school, you promised you'd get me a car so I could go to school.
I'd buy one myself...but you won't drive me to any job I get.
What am I supposed to do.
I walk into my house, puke in the downstairs bathroom.
My dad comes in from the living room and just goes "oh, hi marcia."
I go upstairs to my room...thinking I'm better and just wanna lay down.
NOPE. I run from my room to the bathroom, dont make it. puke in the hallway
Puke in the bathroom, I have nothing left in my stomach so I'm just heaving.
I go downstairs to ask if my mom can help me clean up the hallway or something.
She throws a towel at me.
10 minutes later, her and my father leave.
I spend from 9am-3pm in my bed...not sleeping
Getting up occasionally to dry heave.
Jake calls and tells me that its food poisoning
And that if my mom wont get me to a hospital
to call an ambulance.
I don't even want to bother.
I just lie still untill I stop puking.
No sleeping, just laying.
My parents come home, I ask for some fizzy water to settle my stomach
"can't you come get it yourself"
...yeah if you want me to puke in the kitchen too?
merry xmas.
I got chocolate, which my mom took cause it'll make me fat
and food poisoning
thanks santa. thank you so very much
|
|
|
[17 Dec 2006|05:57am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Justin Timberlake......fuck i dunno? haha |
] |
oh hey you
ugly unfortunate looking girl
that posts stupid entries
that are really unimportant
no one gives a fuck what you have to say =]
you don't have real problems
you don't have "huge revelations" or whatever the fuck you want to think
everything you say, may be right
but the fact of the matter is, just because you say something?
doesn't mean you understand it
your life is a sham
mostly boring too
your friends are all mentally incapeable of being normal human beings
oh, and well you are everything you claim to hate ♥
no one actually knows who i'm talking about here
thats the best part
oh
and
i'm making a new livejournal
thats private
because i realized
i'm not the only one that doesn't give a fuck
i don't really actually care about anyone reading mine
i've always kept a journal/diary whatever
i just have always liked being able to look back
and remember random little snippits of days
it reminds me where i came from
like this quote i used 2 years ago
"remember, nothing ever smells of roses...that rises from the dirt"
|
|
|
[14 Dec 2006|07:24pm] |
I decided something
I'm getting my GED
and going to quinsig
we'll see from there
baby steps nigguhz
baby steps
in other news
played poker at brett's last night
with nick, pat, frankie, aj, & ryan
jake won 5 dollars hahahhahahah
|
|
| Smile Like Your Trying To Remind Someone =] |
[09 Dec 2006|02:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Chippah =] |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
EdwinMccain-ICouldNotAskForMore |
] |
Jake showed me this quote, and for some reason...it stuck with me as much as it did with him. He spent an hour on google trying to find it. And in all honesty? It was worth it;
“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”
-Alden Nowlan
I realized something. I've been ok lately. Not just lately. For a while. I thought I wasn't. In reality, I've just been restless. When I'm restless I concentrate on the bad instead of the good. That brings out the worst in me. I lash out to my loved ones, worse than I should. And I appologize profusley for that. But like always, I had no regrets. I wouldn't want to of not been restless and been mean. I wouldn't of noticed it this time maybe. It might of taken me longer. Me and Jake are at this point right now. We have this bond that I don't even know how to explain anymore. Laying next to eachother with his arms wrapped around me his head in my hair sleeping, I matched my breathing up to his. It was scary almost. I thought for a minute, this could be it. If I don't wanna lose us now...Because of any situation, what will happen later? I've been through alot with him, and him with me. To throw it away, at least now. Would be selfish, for both of us, and unreasonable. I wanna change my life, his life, our life. I wanna go bunjee jumping. I want us to travel. We're going to F1 boston to race. We're going off-roading in a hummer. There's so much in this world besides Leominster and Stow MA. I'm buying my car on sunday. I'll be able to get a job. Get to my personal trainer everyday. No more waiting around. No more counting the minutes. No more sleepless nights. No more insane. I drive myself insane when I'm bored. I become the worst person I possibly could, and I hate it. I never want to see that side of me again. Don't let me ever bring it out, ok? Promise?. Here is what I bring to the table, the world. I'll offer you the stars and the moon, if you just bring me the rope. All I can give anymore is friendship, and return, trust. I'm at a point where things make sense. I've learned that I wouldn't give back the teen years of angst and torture. Because I learned from them, grew stronger. Sure I'll always be a bit damaged and fragile. But at the same time, I can laugh. And I respect myself more because I know what, not what I've been through, but what I've put myself through. I've learned that no matter what, you have to forgive yourself. I'm sorry that I've become a cruel person. For the fact of the matter is, I know I'm not. Well here's me. I'm sensetive. In all honesty and sense of the word. I'm a pushover. Not in a bad way, but in the way that is responsive. I don't blame my parents anymore for messing me up. I always will, in a way. But I'm at the point, where I'm over it. I just want all of us to be happy. I want to wash the damn dishes after dinner. Maybe vacume or water some stupid plants. I want my mom to go to church 24/7 if it makes her happy. And go canoying with my dad. I want to sit down together and watch America's Funniest Home Video's like we used to. Go out to dinner and have it be a big deal and not make someone cry. I want us to grow together. And furthur more, I apologize to myself again. I'm sorry that I've become what I hate. And there is so much behind me pushing to change it. Here's a new chapter, its the end of an era. An era is a signifigant point in your life. Well, I'm constantly changing and renivating, or so I thought so. Turns out I was just in a childish cycle. Not anymore. I'm here for the better now. No longer the worst. When I was 15 I loved some random stupid quote "Living is waiting to die." I thought it made sense. Senoir year I wrote a paper and I had to write what I wanted my epitaph to say. I wrote that quote. I later 2 months later re-passed in the paper with a new paragraph. "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Winston Churchill (1874-1965) R.I.P. I don't care anymore, I'm ready for life. I'm ready for death, all things in their due course. But all I know, is it's time to make the best of it. Not ignore responsibilities, but take them as they come, and make fun whenever possible. Life is going to be ok from now on. For the first time in my life, I can say I'm actually going to be a live. Not just living through other people, trying to overshine them with my dreams.
oh and not that it means anything...
No Doubt is getting back together to record an album.
After a blunt and some driving, me and Kelli popped their 2nd cd in the otherday.
I got that cassette tape when I was about 7 or 8.
I remembered every bit of being a child.
Not that I want that feeling to last forever.
But it was nice to remember for a while.
It was nice to believe and get that glimmer of hope.
Happiness has always been in my life, I just overlooked it.
|
|
|
[02 Dec 2006|09:59am] |
it's 5:02 am...
I drank an entire bottle of wine tonight.
and I'm incredibly yaked out.
like rediculously.
I hung out with RANDOM nashob' kids today.
They came over.
It's insane how many of my graduating class
is fucking coke heads now...
Like I do it on occasion
but seriously?
they make my nothing, look even more amature than it is.
Bah. I'm so awake. I cleaned my entire house
and I'm wired.
fuckkkskskskskksksksk
|
|
| Yo, We Supastars |
[01 Dec 2006|02:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
don't care |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i had something written here, but fuck it. |
] |
I just wrote this long entry about my life, and I realized...no one reads my livejournal. Hey Marcia, it's 9:55am. Brush your teeth first, then go back to bed.
in other news;
things look up ♥
& promising.
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girlxlnterupted's journal
